How I Am Feeling Now (Before)

The last time I was *kind of* OK with my weight was probably around May 2008. Back then I was about 20-25 lbs overweight for my frame. Since then I have steadily gained the pounds (30 more)and ended up where I am now. (For a total of 50ish lbs too many :P) I am thankful for my height (I am 6' tall) because I hide the 50 lbs a bit better than I would if I was a foot shorter. Unfortunately its still there :(

I am a very emotional eater. When I am happy I eat to celebrate. When I am sad I eat for comfort and when I am mad I eat because I don't give a @#$% anymore! This emotional eating issue has definitely got me to where I am at right now. Years in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship did a number on my self esteem and self worth. It also did a number on my waste line :P

I have decided to write a blurb on all of the things I have been feeling physically and emotionally for the past year as my weight has increased. I am doing this so I can compare notes to how I feel after making this lifestyle change.

Emotionally:

MAJOR mood swings. The highs are rare and the lows are LOW. I am very insecure and don't feel comfortable in group situations especially if I don't know everybody. When I walk into a room I instantly feel like I am being judged. I often feel like I despise myself. Being at Fitness Ridge will be a challenge at the beginning because it's ALL group situations!

Getting ready to leave the house almost always results in some sort of meltdown. Whether its a quick run to the grocery store or a formal dinner, it does not go well. NOTHING in my closet fits.. I still hang on to it (bad idea I know) hoping that one day I can wear them again. I live in one pair of jeans or gym pants and a plain black t-shirt. I often will keep my big winter jacket on so I can hide underneath it. It ruins a lot of occasions. My family has come to expect a mental meltdown (anger and sobbing included) anytime I have to find something to wear. Anytime I sit down I MUST have a pillow or blanket or jacket on my lap because I'm so insecure about my stomach sticking out. I cant even remember what its like to just exist without being consumed with my appearance.

I feel horrible for those around me. I recently realized that am so self absorbed (in a negative body image way) that I often neglect my son and/ or my boyfriend. Its not at all intentional, but my focus is so often on how bad I feel or look, that those around me suffer.

Physically:

I have become one of the people I never thought i would. I have become overweight to the point of feeling unhealthy. In the past when it was only 20lbs I didn't like my appearance but I felt fine. Now at 50lbs overweight I feel the most unhealthy I ever have. My joints hurt, especially my heels and ankles. I have heartburn very frequently. Up until now Id only ever had it while pregnant. Now its common. My skin has been blotchy, dull and constantly broken out. My lower back and my neck are alays tight and sore. I have headaches every single day. For the first time in my life I get a bit breathless after going up a flight of stairs. I am constantly tired. My energy levels are next to none.

I want my energy back. I want to love myself. I want to quit giving a @#$% what people think of me. Its especially not fair to my 5 year old son. I want to take him to the swimming pool, but he doesn't get to go because I'm too insecure to wear a bathing suit.

Irrational Brandi thinks that everyone is going to be disgusted by my body, that they will laugh at me for wearing a bathing suit. Logical Brandi knows that that's absolutely ridiculous! The whole world doesn't revolve around me! When I look at the other moms in the pool I NEVER think negative things about the way they look in their suits. I think nothing about the fact that they might have bellies. Some people I see are a lot more overweight than I am and I think they look great!!

So why am I so hard on myself?????