What Makes Me Think This Way?

I know that it was nobodies intention, but some of the comments about my previous post made me feel guilty. I'm sure that the comments were NOT meant to cause the feelings that they have, but I feel guilty. I feel horrible for thinking badly about my self image when some people out there have a bigger challenge than I do and more difficult situations than I do. At the same time I think the bigger challenge for me is the emotional/ mental more so than the physical.

I don't want to start telling myself that I am being ridiculous when I know I am not healthy. I know I have a BMI of 30. I know I am unhappy, I know I feel crappy all of the time :(

I cant remember a time when I wasn't self conscious, when I didn't hate myself. As a young child I was scrawny. I was taller than all of my peers and had size 10 feet in grade 4. By grade 7 I was taller than the teacher. I still get emotional and tense at the thought of the torment some of the other students put me through.

By high school I had put on some weight. I was by no means obese, but you know kids.. I can still hear the B!%@& that stood behind me in choir calling me a fat @$$. I remember being terrified to go to that class because she was a few years older than me and used to treat me like $%^&. I hated the days when I had that class. I would go to school sick to my stomach. I also despised lunch break because she would torment me in the cafeteria as well..

All of the bull @#$% through the years caused me to be deathly shy. I could not stand up in front of the class to do speeches or presentations. I would literally get tunnel vision, dizziness, sweats and almost vomit. My English class teacher in grade 12 allowed me to do my presentation one on one when the class was gone. I didn't even have to stand, I got to sit at a desk... I still couldn't do it. I nearly didn't graduate because of it.

There was a group of 4 girls in high school (aside from the choir cow) that were absolutely horrible. I would walk down the hall at school and they would make gagging noises and talk $%^&. I couldn't even walk my dog because they lived nearby and used to hide in the trees and make the same gagging sounds and yell at me. To some of you this may seem ridiculous, but to someone who already had low self esteem it was crushing. It ruined my life. I know people out there have had far worse lives than mine, but it didn't make this hurt any less... I wished I didn't exist.

I was the middle child of an older brother and two younger twin sisters. This didn't help either. I felt like the odd one out. I always admired my sisters. Jealousy and admiration that caused more self loathing. They were (and are) beautiful... gorgeous blond haired blue eyed twins with tiny figures. They were also very popular. Everybody knew "the twins". I cant even count how many people would say "you re the twins sister? I NEVER would have guessed! The fact that I thought they were amazing and beautiful made it hard to hear that people NEVER would guess that we were related. Don't get me wrong, I NEVER resented them for it. They were always wonderful. Today I think they are more beautiful than ever.. they are both amazing women and awesome moms and I adore them.

I never felt like I belonged in my family.

When I was 21 I ended up in a relationship that lasted 8 years. This would be the man I had my son with. He was a competitive body builder who lived in the gym.. I still don't know what he saw in me. I still think he settled in the beginning. I never felt like I measured up to his standards.. He like fitness models and figure competitors and I was by far neither of those. I started working out during those years and got to a weight and health level that I was happy with. It was the only time in my life that I was happy with myself. I think I only met his standards at that time. I wasn't happy in general though. I became pregnant only a month after reaching that weight and wasn't able to keep it up during the pregnancy because it hadn't become habit enough to eat well and work out.

Pregnancy made me happy, but also terrified. I had heard him make remarks in the past about how "disgusting" and "unattractive" stretch marks are. I spent my pregnancy more worried about how i was going to turn out physically than I did thinking about my baby. When my son was born I couldn't even enjoy him at first because I was so preoccupied with my appearance. He never saw me naked again..5 years of feeling worthless and disgusting.

Obviously that relationship didn't last. Thankfully I am now with a man who treats me like gold and tells me I'm beautiful all the time. I've feel better than good enough with him. I wish I could see what he sees.

I think Fitness Ridge will be life changing for me. I think it will give me a sense of accomplishment and confidence that I need to be happy with myself even more so than the weight loss will.. I'm just so sick of wasting energy hating myself.

I think everyone's struggles are equally important. Everyone has their own journey to travel and their own demons to defeat, no matter how big or small. As I said, I know the comments regarding my previous post were not meant to be negative, they just stirred up some emotion...

47 more days :)

Brace Yourself :P

I have done the deed, I have taken the 'before' picture.. I hate 'before' pictures because it occasionally makes you realize you look worse than you thought you actually did... SOMETIMES it makes you realize you look better than you thought, but this is NOT one of those times!

I'm feeling the same way I felt when I posted my measurements (only worse) my head is spinning, I feel nauseous and there is a knot in my stomach. I hate this, but I'm really trying to get past all of these feelings and continue to put myself out there.

I can hear the voice in my head telling me that those who view this will be as disgusted as I am with it.. Logically I know that's ridiculous because most who are reading along on my journey are dealing with their own personal struggle and know what I'm going through. I also know that I wouldn't think anything negative looking at anyone else's 'before' pictures.

This is different though, this is ME. I don't show this side of me.. Ive always been about hiding myself. I hide behind big jackets, baggy t-shirts, throw pillows and blankets.. I don't post pictures like this. I have to though. I want to see the truth, to see how unhealthy I have become. It makes it more real.

I made sure to wear a ponytail, wear no makeup and have no tan. I made sure not to smile...LOL I made sure of this so I can make it like one of those weight loss fad/ gimmick commercials. When I take my after picture I will make sure my hair looks luxurious and styled, I will wear makeup and have a tan.. I will use Crest White Strips and smile a BIG smile.. that's how they do it anyway don't they?

In all actuality I hope to be so healthy and happy that my skin radiates, my smile sparkles and all the smoke and mirrors aren't necessary. I want to look at my picture and not pick it apart. For once I want to look at myself and smile, not want to vomit. It will happen in time.

Here they are in all of there glorious misery :P To think my breasts used to actually fit INTO the bathing suit top! LOL

Up and Down!

So.. I have done really well the past couple of weeks. I have been eating mostly healthy foods (other than a few slip ups!) and have been hitting the gym as well.

I weighed myself today and the scale said 221. That is a 2 lb loss in comparison to the measurements that I posted. In reality I had gained 5 lbs since those measurements (notice I wasn't too quick to post about that!!) This means that I in fact have lost 7 lbs! Yay!

The most exciting thing about that is that Christmas is only a week away and I have been behaving for the most part! I haven't GAINED weight, and that is a VERY good thing at this time of year. Normally I eat the heck out of all of the Christmas baking for a couple of weeks before, then eat even more on Christmas eve and day.My outlook this year is that all of those same goodies will be around until Christmas, so behave myself up until Christmas eve, THEN I can have some treats and let loose (a little bit.)

Christmas day we usually have a HUGE bacon and egg breakfast, but this year I plan to ask whoever is cooking to hold the yolks and I am bringing along my 2 pieces of turkey bacon from home..lol I don't care how goofy I look pulling turkey bacon out of my purse! Ill mostly behave Christmas day and then eat my turkey dinner (only much smaller portions than every other year!)

Hopefully this method will prevent me from gaining any holiday weight this year.. I don't want to deny myself having some Christmas treats, I just don't want to go overboard and chomp around like the colourful Hippopotamus' on the "Hungry Hungry Hippos" game!



My Christmas list this year is quite a bit different than its been in the past, LOL. The list I gave my boyfriend consisted of a ton of anti-friction socks, several pairs of workout pants, a few sports bras... all the things I will need for FR. Very different from what I usually ask for!

I can NOT believe how fast the time is flying.. 50 more days until leave for Utah! I want to take a 'before' picture some time soon so that it shows me before I lose anymore of the weight I plan to lose prior to leaving for FR. I am more nervous about posting that than I was about the measurements. I want to take the picture in the bikini I had bought and worn just before getting pregnant . I had just lost 40 lbs and was wearing my first (and apparently last) bikini ever. Truthfully I hadn't even ever worn any kind of bathing suit in public before then.

The reason I want to wear that particular bathing suit is so that I can see how close I can eventually get to fitting into it properly. (right now its BARELY fits (:P) I know it will never look like it used to 5 years ago because pregnancy caused stretch marks and wider hips, but I would like it to at least be the right size. That time in my life was when I was at my fittest and actually liked the way I looked and felt. I'm just leary to post that picture if I do wear it because I might have grown out of it to the point of it being X rated! HA HA HA (just kidding)

We shall see if I decide to put myself out there to that degree... I guess you'll know if I have the guts to do it (no pun intended, lol) because it will end up posted here somewhere! Regardless there will be a proper before picture. I just might be wearing something else :)

Goin to Vegas!!

Well, I finally did it! I changed my flight to arrive on Saturday instead of Sunday! I am going to enjoy exploring the sights of Las Vegas before leaving on Sunday for FR.

I'm beyond excited!! I have never been there before, bumping elbows with Neil Diamond and David Copperfield..lol! Arriving a day early will also allow me to arrive at FR earlier in the day AND I get to meet Janet who is going to be on the same shuttle as me as well as staying at the resort for the exact same dates! I'm really looking forward to meeting her!

I'm still behaving with my eating and have had NO pop for 5 days. That dream really helped me start behaving.. I have been focusing on the nutrition portion of things this week. Next week I am going to get back into a regular gym schedule.

Last week I tried my hand at some Christmas baking for the first time. (This was back before the dream smacked me in the face) I made these amazing squares that had graham wafer crumb crust, chocolate chips, coconut, butter and condensed milk. They were soooo good. After I had the dream they sat in the fridge calling to me. I ignored them for a couple of days, then the desire became too strong and I ate one. BIG MISTAKE!! I INSTANTLY wanted to devour the whole plate!! I am very proud to say I didn't! I picked the plate up, walked it to the garbage can, and tossed it all in! Yay fr me! Now that temptation is gone :) Next step.. back to the gym!!

59 more days!!! (Oh my God its in the 50's!!)

What The heck Was That All About???!!!

I had the WEIRDEST dream last night! I will try to explain it the best I can! First of all I have been stressing big time because the days are ticking away and I can barely get motivated on my plans to eat better, COMPLETELY stop my Diet Pepsi habit, and get my butt to the gym.. Ive been trying to stay with it, then I fall off the wagon, then get back on, then fall off... behaviour I am used to, but trying to avoid. I have especially been trying to get in gear because one day soon I am going to open my eyes and realize its February 7 and I'm out of time!

Here is what I remember vaguely from my dream...I was at FR, but for some reason it was in Ontario, Canada now. For some reason it was also in a very busy city. Bob from the BL show was running the program. In the dream I was aware that it was FR, but it actually wasn't at that point of the dream LOL. I'm sure Ive confused a lot of you so far, but you know how dreams are!

I guess it must have been mealtime because I was sitting at a very long table with a whole bunch of women and we were eating. The table was in the middle of a busy city street surrounded by skyscrapers for some reason LOL. The woman next to me had just finished eating a box of After 8 chocolates, the kind that are sticks, not squares... she had eaten all of them except for the very end of each one (which she left laying all over the table) ** I think I dreamt this because I had read a tip on the blog about leaving the last few bites of every meal..lol** So, we are sitting there and this waitress appears and asks the woman if she is done. The woman said yes, but said she was saving this last piece and demanded that she leave it for her. Anyway... I decided I wanted the last piece so I snatched it up from her plate and proceeded to stuff my face.

My face was COVERED in chocolate. It kind of looked like the inside of an Eat More bar.. chocolate and nutty nougatty stuff. The thing was every time I took a bite it would grow on the bottom end. It was a never ending chocolate bar!! I was getting SO frustrated with it because I didn't want to eat it anymore, but it just kept going!

After a few minutes of this, Bob walks up and taps me on the shoulder and says "Are you ready for the Stop Sign Hike tomorrow???" In the dream my stomach just DROPPED. I was like "WHAT? That's TOMORROW??!!" The sudden realization that it was go time just hit me because I hadn't prepared myself mentally or physically.

I woke up instantly and had the same knot in my stomach. I realized just how ridiculous I have been by blowing off all of the effort I want to put in before my trip. I also realized that my dream was trying to tell me that the 63 days will suddenly be 2 days and I will still be addicted to my Diet Pepsi and still be eating crap and sitting on my @$$! I have been hoping to get over the soda withdrawals before the trip so its one less thing to deal with. I have also been hoping to get more active again since Ive been off of the gym wagon for 4 weeks. I don't want to hurt so much from the first few days of FR that it screws up my second week because I'm too sore to move.

Funny thing is that later this same morning we were driving up the driveway (we have a VERY long driveway about 400' or something) and we had to stop midway to break off some sticks that kept scratching the vehicles. I was sitting in the passenger seat and looked over into the neighbours back yard where I noticed something I hadn't noticed before. Attached to their chain link fence was a big, red STOP SIGN!!! Now I know FOR SURE that someone is trying to tell me something! Between the dream and the neighbours sign I definitely had a wake up call. LOL I haven't had any Pepsi today and my desire for junk food is suddenly GONE.

The Stop Sign Hike Is Going to Hurt!

Well, I FINALLY got the motivation and energy back to go to the gym this morning. I have been delinquent for about 4 weeks :P I decided to hit the treadmill and start prepping for all the upcoming cardio as well as start working the muscles that are going to be attacked during the 'stop sign hike'.

For those of my friends who I haven't described this 'stop sign hike' to, here is what it is...

Picture a 4.5 mile paved road with a 10% incline and an elevation of 1000 ft. We are expected to go UP this giant beast reeeaaally early in the morning!!! EEK!

So anyway, I did 30 minutes on the treadmill starting at a moderate incline and speed and for the last 15 minutes I walked 3 MPH at a 10% grade. All I have to say is my butt and quads were burning! I would have liked to go longer but the gym has a 30 minute time limit on the cardio equipment :P

It really opened my eyes to how difficult this hike is going to be, because in that 30 minutes I only covered 1.5 miles. I'm going to try to go every morning and eventually do the entire 30 minutes at 10% and gradually increase my speed. I'm hoping if I do this regularly, the 'stop sign' hike shouldn't be my cause of death :)

:(

OK, here goes... I have finally mustered up enough strength/ insanity to make the decision to post my weight and measurements. The thought of it is making my eyes blur and my stomach twist. The way I look at it is, if I put it up for all to see, it will push me to work harder so everyone who reads along sees how much progress I make.

Its taking everything out of me to do this, but I really do want to. Its just so difficult to put myself out there so honestly when I am such an insecure person. I feel like I'm posting a nude picture! (thank God I'm not LOL) Anyway, here they are...

Height: 6'
Weight: 228 lbs
BMI: 30.3 :(
Bust: 45 1/4
Waist: 43 :(
Hips: 48 1/2
Thigh: 28
Bicep: 13

* I will post body fat percentage soon, I have the pincher, just need someone to pinch me!*

Wow... those are the first measurements I have had in a long time. They are SIGNIFICANTLY higher than they have been in the past :( I am definitely glad I decided to do this. I suddenly have a LOT more motivation! I'm so nauseous I don't even want to press "Publish Post"

Here goes.....

How I Am Feeling Now (Before)

The last time I was *kind of* OK with my weight was probably around May 2008. Back then I was about 20-25 lbs overweight for my frame. Since then I have steadily gained the pounds (30 more)and ended up where I am now. (For a total of 50ish lbs too many :P) I am thankful for my height (I am 6' tall) because I hide the 50 lbs a bit better than I would if I was a foot shorter. Unfortunately its still there :(

I am a very emotional eater. When I am happy I eat to celebrate. When I am sad I eat for comfort and when I am mad I eat because I don't give a @#$% anymore! This emotional eating issue has definitely got me to where I am at right now. Years in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship did a number on my self esteem and self worth. It also did a number on my waste line :P

I have decided to write a blurb on all of the things I have been feeling physically and emotionally for the past year as my weight has increased. I am doing this so I can compare notes to how I feel after making this lifestyle change.

Emotionally:

MAJOR mood swings. The highs are rare and the lows are LOW. I am very insecure and don't feel comfortable in group situations especially if I don't know everybody. When I walk into a room I instantly feel like I am being judged. I often feel like I despise myself. Being at Fitness Ridge will be a challenge at the beginning because it's ALL group situations!

Getting ready to leave the house almost always results in some sort of meltdown. Whether its a quick run to the grocery store or a formal dinner, it does not go well. NOTHING in my closet fits.. I still hang on to it (bad idea I know) hoping that one day I can wear them again. I live in one pair of jeans or gym pants and a plain black t-shirt. I often will keep my big winter jacket on so I can hide underneath it. It ruins a lot of occasions. My family has come to expect a mental meltdown (anger and sobbing included) anytime I have to find something to wear. Anytime I sit down I MUST have a pillow or blanket or jacket on my lap because I'm so insecure about my stomach sticking out. I cant even remember what its like to just exist without being consumed with my appearance.

I feel horrible for those around me. I recently realized that am so self absorbed (in a negative body image way) that I often neglect my son and/ or my boyfriend. Its not at all intentional, but my focus is so often on how bad I feel or look, that those around me suffer.

Physically:

I have become one of the people I never thought i would. I have become overweight to the point of feeling unhealthy. In the past when it was only 20lbs I didn't like my appearance but I felt fine. Now at 50lbs overweight I feel the most unhealthy I ever have. My joints hurt, especially my heels and ankles. I have heartburn very frequently. Up until now Id only ever had it while pregnant. Now its common. My skin has been blotchy, dull and constantly broken out. My lower back and my neck are alays tight and sore. I have headaches every single day. For the first time in my life I get a bit breathless after going up a flight of stairs. I am constantly tired. My energy levels are next to none.

I want my energy back. I want to love myself. I want to quit giving a @#$% what people think of me. Its especially not fair to my 5 year old son. I want to take him to the swimming pool, but he doesn't get to go because I'm too insecure to wear a bathing suit.

Irrational Brandi thinks that everyone is going to be disgusted by my body, that they will laugh at me for wearing a bathing suit. Logical Brandi knows that that's absolutely ridiculous! The whole world doesn't revolve around me! When I look at the other moms in the pool I NEVER think negative things about the way they look in their suits. I think nothing about the fact that they might have bellies. Some people I see are a lot more overweight than I am and I think they look great!!

So why am I so hard on myself?????