What Makes Me Think This Way?

I know that it was nobodies intention, but some of the comments about my previous post made me feel guilty. I'm sure that the comments were NOT meant to cause the feelings that they have, but I feel guilty. I feel horrible for thinking badly about my self image when some people out there have a bigger challenge than I do and more difficult situations than I do. At the same time I think the bigger challenge for me is the emotional/ mental more so than the physical.

I don't want to start telling myself that I am being ridiculous when I know I am not healthy. I know I have a BMI of 30. I know I am unhappy, I know I feel crappy all of the time :(

I cant remember a time when I wasn't self conscious, when I didn't hate myself. As a young child I was scrawny. I was taller than all of my peers and had size 10 feet in grade 4. By grade 7 I was taller than the teacher. I still get emotional and tense at the thought of the torment some of the other students put me through.

By high school I had put on some weight. I was by no means obese, but you know kids.. I can still hear the B!%@& that stood behind me in choir calling me a fat @$$. I remember being terrified to go to that class because she was a few years older than me and used to treat me like $%^&. I hated the days when I had that class. I would go to school sick to my stomach. I also despised lunch break because she would torment me in the cafeteria as well..

All of the bull @#$% through the years caused me to be deathly shy. I could not stand up in front of the class to do speeches or presentations. I would literally get tunnel vision, dizziness, sweats and almost vomit. My English class teacher in grade 12 allowed me to do my presentation one on one when the class was gone. I didn't even have to stand, I got to sit at a desk... I still couldn't do it. I nearly didn't graduate because of it.

There was a group of 4 girls in high school (aside from the choir cow) that were absolutely horrible. I would walk down the hall at school and they would make gagging noises and talk $%^&. I couldn't even walk my dog because they lived nearby and used to hide in the trees and make the same gagging sounds and yell at me. To some of you this may seem ridiculous, but to someone who already had low self esteem it was crushing. It ruined my life. I know people out there have had far worse lives than mine, but it didn't make this hurt any less... I wished I didn't exist.

I was the middle child of an older brother and two younger twin sisters. This didn't help either. I felt like the odd one out. I always admired my sisters. Jealousy and admiration that caused more self loathing. They were (and are) beautiful... gorgeous blond haired blue eyed twins with tiny figures. They were also very popular. Everybody knew "the twins". I cant even count how many people would say "you re the twins sister? I NEVER would have guessed! The fact that I thought they were amazing and beautiful made it hard to hear that people NEVER would guess that we were related. Don't get me wrong, I NEVER resented them for it. They were always wonderful. Today I think they are more beautiful than ever.. they are both amazing women and awesome moms and I adore them.

I never felt like I belonged in my family.

When I was 21 I ended up in a relationship that lasted 8 years. This would be the man I had my son with. He was a competitive body builder who lived in the gym.. I still don't know what he saw in me. I still think he settled in the beginning. I never felt like I measured up to his standards.. He like fitness models and figure competitors and I was by far neither of those. I started working out during those years and got to a weight and health level that I was happy with. It was the only time in my life that I was happy with myself. I think I only met his standards at that time. I wasn't happy in general though. I became pregnant only a month after reaching that weight and wasn't able to keep it up during the pregnancy because it hadn't become habit enough to eat well and work out.

Pregnancy made me happy, but also terrified. I had heard him make remarks in the past about how "disgusting" and "unattractive" stretch marks are. I spent my pregnancy more worried about how i was going to turn out physically than I did thinking about my baby. When my son was born I couldn't even enjoy him at first because I was so preoccupied with my appearance. He never saw me naked again..5 years of feeling worthless and disgusting.

Obviously that relationship didn't last. Thankfully I am now with a man who treats me like gold and tells me I'm beautiful all the time. I've feel better than good enough with him. I wish I could see what he sees.

I think Fitness Ridge will be life changing for me. I think it will give me a sense of accomplishment and confidence that I need to be happy with myself even more so than the weight loss will.. I'm just so sick of wasting energy hating myself.

I think everyone's struggles are equally important. Everyone has their own journey to travel and their own demons to defeat, no matter how big or small. As I said, I know the comments regarding my previous post were not meant to be negative, they just stirred up some emotion...

47 more days :)