Unfortunately things are not good... I have put off writing this post because i am embarassed. I feel like a total failure. Things were going wonderfully. I had lost 10 lbs since coming home from FR and had been feeling excellent! Thankfully I havent gained anything back.. thats not the issue.
Unfortunately I can feel a downward spiral coming on and I am trying to stop it, but I cant seem to. I have still been working out, thats all good. I have been dealing with a very stressfull personal situation. I was doing ok at first. The situation escalated and so did my emotional distress. I was trying to not go back to my old ways of emotional eating, but today was the straw that broke the camels back. I have become overwhelmed. I attacked myself today. I am embarassed and do not want to write this at all. I feel like I am letting so many people down, including myself.
I went from eating really well. 90/10 like Emily suggested. Today that changed to more of 0/100. I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway. Its the first time I have been fullly aware that I was trying to sabotage myself. In the course of today I have eaten a toasted sandwich thin with jam, french fries, 2 cheeseburgers and 6 nuggets, a mini thai crispy chicken burger, a Dairy Queen bacon burger, a Cookie Jar Blizzard, a giant chocolate cookie, a crispy chicken caesar salad, apple chips, and several Diet Pepsi's. Yeah, Pepsi... that I havent touched for 3 months... I am so effing disgusted with myself. I ate myself sick trying to make myself hurt more than I am hurting. Now I feel nauseous, and sluggish and angry and depressed. It sucks that I have to deal with this situation when I was feeling so good.
Being back from FR had been amazing and excellent. I had never been so proud of myself. I had never felt so confident. I had never felt so amazing. Now I feel stupid and disgusting. I have a huge ball of anxiety in my chest. I thought I would be able to handle stress now without food. Why the eff am I failing? It was a false sense of capability.. feeling so great made me feel like I couldnt fail. Now i know that was wrong. Im effing it all up. I need help. I need to get back on track and I dont know how. Everything I learned feels gone. I feel like the biggest failure alive. I need my support system back.
This has set me back to my old negative frame of mind.. I have failed at something else. I shouldnt be suprised. I need help, I need advice... please help me get back on track before its too far gone. :(
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Things Are Not Good..
Posted by Brandi at 10:42 PM
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10 comments:
OK, so you had a bad day! Striving for perfection will leave you feeling defeated and feeling defeated will make you want to give up. One meal or snack will not do you in, it is feeling guilty about that meal or snack that will lead to a downhill spiral. Enjoy food! Enjoy eating! Just take responsibility.Put in some extra time at the gym if possable. Great way to work out frustration too.
Actually, you ARE doing great. The best part, you knew exactly what you ate. You wrote it down. Now, you can move on.
We all have occassional lapses in our judgement or even desires. The good news is that you know how to eat well.
My current program recommends a cheat meal (not a full day) each week. I really look forward to that cheat meal each week. I can eat whatever I want and I don't have to write it down. But I can tell you exactly what I had on Saturday for my cheat meal at applebee's!
Good luck on your journey. You did a great thing by asking for help and admitting that you blew it. It's so hard being accountable, isn't it?
You know what you've done and it's over, gone, in the past. Today is a new day and time to get right back on track. Don't dwell on your screw up. Listen to your body queues in how it made you feel physcially and emotionally when you ate that crap. Think about your mind and your body when you are feeding them properly both nutritionally and with exercise. I mean REALLY think about the high you feel after successfully finishing a good workout. Or the satisfaction you felt when eating one of those low calorie nutritionally dense meals served at FR.
Being aware of your actions and ready to take accountability for them is the first step. Asking for encouragement, help and support is another HUGE step. You are already facing it head on and ready to get back on track by doing these things.
I completely understand where you're coming from. That spiral of screwing up leading to more binge eating, to more negative failing feelings, and then more binge eating. You are past this though. You've come so far and learned so much about yourself . Tap into that. Think about it. Breathe. Meditate. Think about all the tricks you have learned and ONLY think about the positive in moving forward. Do NOT dwell on what is done. All we have to alter is the future. You CAN do this. You WILL do this. Jump back on the wagon and enjoy every breath you take Stay strong!!!
Brand!
You are OK!!! Things will be OK!!! EVERYONE has days like this. Life gets hard and sometimes we NEED a day like this. But that was yesterday. I appreciate that you said you felt awful physically after making unhealthy choices. You are on the right path! You realize how food makes you feel, and the goal is to feel your best 90% of the time. This day can be the 10%. No harm done, just don't feel guilty about it. You have all the tools you need, you just have to believe in yourself. I believe in you :)
Emily Fonnesbeck
Brandi, I've been thinking a lot about this... I, We, all do the same thing that you are doing. And I think that Fitness Ridge is like a rehab - just like AA rehab. You are all pumped up when you get out and feel really strong, but when real life and stress hits us - we are ill-prepared to cope - the only way we know is the old way- food, food, guilt, disgust, and weight gain and overall failure. I think any person out of an AA rehab would fail if left to their own devices without a sponsor, (one who they talke to daily and tell all of their problems and struggles) and without further treatment. I think we are food addicts, this is the coping mechanism we use and just like a drug, it can kill us and definetly screw our minds up for failure. I have no answers, or sponsor either, but I think that this is what we need - continuing treatment. What are your thoughts?
You do have the program in your brain to tackle this head on right now - just clear all the muck out and find it. It's there. Reaching out and admitting you have a problem and need help is the first step in AA actually! btw- I am not in AA - but I know someone who is. Keep writing and asking for help - you are definetly NOT a failure! You have what it takes to succeed for life, just maybe we need to look at this problem we have in a different way, and then we won't feel as though we failed, we just aren't treating our addiction correctly. Love you - I have your back......
You went off on yourself for a day. You feel worse for it. Take that feeling and bottle it up. So tomorrow you remember that it didn't make anything better and instead made you feel worse. Then try and find solution to your real problem. You have to tackle the things that are making you want to overeat. If you can't fix the problem, then you need to find another way to deal with it. Yoga, meditation, reading, prayer. You are a beautiful wonderful person that deserves to be happy and not beating herself up with food. Feel free to send me a message privately on FB, if I can help you with anything. (((big hugs)))) and lots of good ~~Karma~~
Hello Brandi,
Everything that needed to be said was said....I don't have much to add without repeating other people's comments. I only write this for you to know there are LOTS of people out there who feel like you. But they don't have the courage to actually share it with the world. That alone tells me that you are on the right track.
Keep moving forward and let bygones be bygones......We all are with you on your journey!
Sabine
Brandi,
Gosh, everyone had such great advice to give you. What Michele C said hit home for me. FR is like going to rehab. I loathed myself before coming there and when I left I was my old self again and feeling on top of the world. I felt the happiest I have been in probably 6 years.
If it weren't for my new FR family, I would totally go back to my old ways of not caring but WE ARE WORTH IT BRANDI! Yeah, so you had a set-back today. Don't beat yourself up over it and tackle tomorrow with a fresh start. I am not going to let those stupid morsels of food consume me anymore.
Is life perfect now that I'm home. FAR FROM IT! But I'm not going to let my surroundings control me anymore. I am in charge of my destiny and I really do like myself and it's only going to get better.
Hang in there and I'm so proud of you for asking for help.
Anytime you need to lean on someone...you can count on me.
{{{hugs}}}
Robin
Brandi, one thing I'm thinking is this: we need to be as kind to ourselves as we are with others. It doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" thing...one bad day doesn't mean that they all have to return to being like they were before FR. I agree that we need to give up the idea of being perfect...not possible. You are a wonderful human being. No matter what triggered this, they/he/she isn't worth it and I say take that power back and eff them/him/her. You are a fox. I got "It's called a break up because it's broken" and even when it's not a romantic problem, it helps me know that I'm worth taking care of. I agree with Michelle...unfortunately...as I see this is going to be a "one day at a time" thing. But from what I know of those types of things, it takes support to succeed. You supported me and I know for sure you'll be there when I need it again....and we are all here for you now, my dear friend.
Brandi,
You were so inspiring to me at FR...why does that have to change? You have come so far that one dumb day can't take that away from you. The bottom line is when you feel like you have no options, call a friend..kay, michelle, me.. your buds from the states are a phone call away. Mi casa es su casa so if you want to visit So Cal...call me...hang in there...I've many days like yours(Fri. night) and am taking life one day at a time...Kay is right...be kind to yourself...you are worth it! xxoo, JoAnne
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