Breakthrough?.. Maybe!

This is a REALLLY long post lol

I have not posted for 6 months..Why? Because, I have been hiding from the reality that I have been failing miserably and living recklessly. To say that I have regressed back to my "pre-Fitness Ridge days" would be an understatement! I have completely let go. I haven't been active AT ALL... I have been eating very poorly... nothing nutritious... WAY too many calories... my weight is back up to what it was when I "tested in" to the resort. I feel worse than I have EVER felt physically in my entire life including how I felt when I decided to go to Utah in the first place.

Thankfully one thing I have taken from my Fitness Ridge experience (and held on to) is the change in my mindset. Even with how badly I have been feeling physically, and how much I have been misbehaving, I am not attacking myself. I have still been experiencing the usual bouts of guilt and frustration, but I haven't been engaging in as much of the negative self talk or self loathing that I used to when I was off track in the past. It creeps in occasionally, but I think I have come a long way! I actually feel like I can honestly say I like myself. I have not gotten to the point of learning to love myself yet, but compared to how much I hated everything about me; liking myself is a HUGE accomplishment!

I think that in the last week I might have had a breakthrough! I decided recently that I am going to start going to counselling to try to repair some of the "issues" that i have going on in my head for the last decade. I haven't made the appointment yet, but I am definitely going to do it very soon. In the mean time I started thinking a lot about the way that I live my life. After I had decided that I was going to start getting help with the mental and emotional aspect of my problems, I started to pick apart my own brain. I have really been digging deep.

I thought of something that Jen Morton (the life coach from Fitness Ridge) had said to me during my appointment with her. I have always thought that I just really liked food (a little too much) and struggled with portions and was too inactive to cancel out the calories with exercise. When I explained to Jen how much power I give to food, and how just "important" food is in my life she mentioned that maybe I possibly have an actual food addiction or compulsion. I have been tossing the idea of that around in my head since that conversation.

Until recently when I looked back on my past, I thought that I had been dealing with the same struggles since childhood. I used to think that all of my self esteem issues and weight struggles had been with me from a young age. Over the last week I realized that this is not the case. It's true that I was an EXTREMELY shy child and teenager. Its also true that I had low self esteem. I have come to realize though, that my obsessive behaviour regarding food and weight and physical appearance, began within the last 10 years.

At the age of 21 I ended up in a relationship with a competitive body builder. The relationship lasted 8 years and produced my wonderful son. Unfortunately the last 6 years of the 8 were not a happy time for me. Being young and impressionable I began thinking that I wasn't good enough. This was fuelled by the fact that he had actually said "People expect me to be with a certain type of girl and..." I didn't meet that "expectation" Over those years I had these ridiculous and excessive diets and training methods ingrained into my head. I developed an unrealistic expectation of what the average person should look like. I don't know if it was fear or lack of self worth that prevented me from walking away sooner, but it took me 3 months of regular counselling to finally figure out that I did deserve better and that I couldn't live the rest of my life in that situation. I finally did get out of the situation a couple of years ago and it has been a real struggle to reverse the damage that was done to my self worth and to fix the way my mind works. Thankfully I ended up with the most amazing man who adores me and makes me feel really good about myself. I don't know what I would do without him.

Realizing that my issues began when I was 21 and have not so much been a lifetime struggle is what has lead me to what I believe is this recent "breakthrough". I have only very recently realized that my behaviour is not normal. That it is extremely obsessive.

I have finally realized that it is not normal to live and breathe thoughts of self image, weight loss and food nor all the successes and failures related to them. It's not normal to wake up and have my first thought be anxiety about whether or not I would eat a proper balanced breakfast or give in to my craving for a Sausage McMuffin.. and if I DID give in would I get the cardio in that I need, or would I end up sitting on my ass all day? If I did do the "right thing" I would ride the high for a bit and then beat the shit out of myself when I very quickly reversed the effort by binging and not working out for days or weeks... MANY times an hour my thoughts drift to my appearance, my diet, my cravings, my successes, my failures, and what the days ahead will hold. I have FINALLY realized that this is not the way to live life!

Food has become too much of a focus. I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad. I eat when I am mad. If I am going on a trip my first thought is about all of the drive-thru's and restaurants I will get to hit. When I am invited to a party or wedding my first thought is "I wonder what they're going to have to eat there!" When I go camping my first thought is of all of the food and drinks I get to bring! When I visit my friends one of my main focuses is what we should buy to munch on! I SHOULD be focusing on how much fun the trip will be and what kind of adventure we will have. How great it is to watch friends and family get married, and how fun the reception will be! How much I love camping, the smell of campfires and all of the hikes and fishing we could do! How much I love spending times with my family and friends!

One habit I had gotten into over the last decade is taking "before and after" pictures. I have a specific bathing suit that I would put on for these pictures and I would take a new picture weekly during any of the times that I actually stuck to a plan for more than a few days. I would obsess over every detail of these pictures comparing them to the newer ones. I have hung on to the collection all of these years. Until today..With great anxiety I tore up every single one! The more I thought about it, the more I came to realize that keeping these pictures were doing damage. Every time I decided to "get back on track" I would pull these pictures out for motivation. Motivation? Ive realized it was completely the opposite! I was in my 20's in these pictures.. the only thing that they succeeded in doing was making me feel like a failure! They made me compare myself to a girl who doesn't exist anymore! As long as I had them in my possession the "me" that exists today would never be good enough! I realized that they needed to go. That I needed to purge my life of all these past attempts and focus on the now and loving the "me" that I am.

Not only did I get rid of this collection of pictures (there were at least 50!) but I also got rid of all of my other weight loss and diet "shit" that I was holding on to for years. My "6 Week Total Body Makeover" binder and plan that I paid $200 dollars for back in 2007. Although I dropped significant weight on the plan, it wasn't a lifestyle! In to the trash (and recycling) went countless other weight loss books, diet magazines and articles. I even tossed the work books I had kept from my Fitness Ridge experience (other than the cookbooks):S Although it is full of great information, it is all stuff that I already know. I knew it before I went there! I hang on to all of this thinking that one day something is going to magically fix everything! I now know that I have to have a healthy mind before I can maintain a healthy body.

I don't want to live this life anymore! I can not even IMAGINE how much money I have spent over the years! Weight loss supplements, Weight Watchers memberships (multiple times), NutriSystem, 6 Week Total Body Makeover, Self Help books, Liposuction, Mytrak tool and membership (its like a Body Bug) Magazine subscriptions and 2 trips (totalling 5 weeks) to Fitness Ridge! **I must note that I still think Fitness Ridge is one of the most amazing places on Earth for self esteem and meeting amazing people** but the rest is a joke! I'm done!

Here is what I have decided to do! I have decided NO MORE DIETS, NO MORE GIMMICKS, NOOOOOOOOO MORE!!!
I am going to begin the counselling that I have planned.
I am going to cut out processed and fried food.
I am going to eat balanced nutritious food.
I am going to take the "power" away from food.
I am going to eat when I am hungry.
I am going to stop eating when I am full.
I am going to stop counting calories.
I am going to try something new (karate? art classes? learn to swim?)
I am going to take chances.
I am going to stop weighing myself (I will go by how my clothes fit and how I feel)
I am going to try to be as active as possible, but in a realistic sensible way (playing with my son, riding bikes, hiking, doing yard work, parking in the furthest spot, going for walks etc)
I am going to start living life!!!

This is the most optimistic I have felt about life in a really long time! The thought of being free from my mental prison is exciting! I am ready to make the change and be done with all of this bull shit! It will take a lot of work, but there are more important things in life than food and my appearance!

Feeling Great!

I had a pretty great day today! I went to the gym and did a "Mountain" class. Its frustrating because my ghetto gym only allows 30 minutes on the treadmill.The machines can not and will not go over these allotted 30 minutes no matter what setting you use :P I had to do a warm up, then stop the treadmill and reset it so that I could get 30 minutes in on top of that. Grrr.. After my "Mountain" session I did an upper body weight circuit, some ab work and stretching. Considering it took me fifty-leven hours to get out of the house due to extreme procrastination; I ended up having a really good workout and feel great! I have eaten really well and have some Chicken Souvlaki marinating in the fridge for my next meal..MmmmMmmmmMmmmm!

I am really looking forward to the upcoming week. My wonderful friend from afar is coming to spend the night .... CHILD FREE!! Wooohooo! My son is gone and she has lined up a sitter so we are free to do what our little hearts desire! In the past our little hearts have desired some odd, but fun times! The best memory to date was last summer when it was scorching outside and we ended up cramming our asses into a kiddie pool where we proceeded to drink alcoholic beverages for 5 hours. We didn't realize at the time how ridiculous we looked. Then we saw the pictures! It was so much fun, and being ridiculous made it even better!



We have a few plans for this upcoming visit. The weather Gods are apparently going to give us some sunshine and we are going to make good use of it! There is an amazing hike that I did a couple of years ago called "Elk Mountain". If I remember correctly, it was about 3.5 hours up and 2 hours down. It was a challenging hike. There is a lot of incline and some rocky spots, but the view from the top is absolutely breathtaking.





I haven't hiked since I got back from Fitness Ridge a week ago and I must say I am missing it! I would be ecstatic if I could hike all day long at FR and just skip all the other cardio classes. The scenery in Utah is so stunning! Well... its stunning in its own way.. I am quite partial to the lush green forests that I get to hike at home. The majestic pine trees..the smell of dirt and foliage.. I love British Columbia! Another thing Utah has that I won't miss on this hike are the Rattle Snakes! There is a good chance of running into a bear though and they are a LITTLE bit bigger than a snake so I'm not sure which Id rather meet along the trail!

Speaking of bears, we had a beautiful male Black Bear in our yard several times over the last few days. He is a BIG mother of a bear for his species! I absolutely adore wildlife! It makes me happy that I've moved to such a stunning area. We are right on the side of a mountain and get a lot of bear, coyotes, squirrels, raccoons and even a cougar (thankfully I didn't have the pleasure of meeting him, but he was right outside our house) I love that I can walk out my front door and end up steps from a beautiful rushing river, a short drive to several lakes and my "backyard" is a maze of amazing hiking trails! Ive really got it made! I'm quite jealous of myself actually!





Early next week we are leaving for a week or so to head up to Haida Gwaii in northern B.C. (just below Alaska) Ive never been north. Its going to take a 17 hour drive and an 8 hour ferry ride! We will be seeing a lot of wildlife (yay!) and doing some fishing for Coho and Halibut. We will be stocking our coolers full of fish! Its waaay cheaper than what the grocery stores here charge for it! We will be eating like royalty!

When I get back I am planning to do the "Grouse Grind" an insanely steep set of wooden stairs that wind up the forest to Grouse Mountain in Vancouver. I also want to hike Mt Cheam, and a few other ones I marked off in a book called "Hikes of Southwestern British Columbia" I will be sure to post pictures! I love that Fitness Ridge has given me the drive (and lungs) to do these hikes! I will never regret deciding to go to that magical place!

Fitness Ridge Take 2 - Pictures :)

Fitness Ridge Take 2!

Time flew by. Next thing I knew it was time to go back to Utah. I decided not to blog while I was there. It wasn't because I was hiding the fact that I had to go back. It was more because I was going to just focus on the experience and not have the stress of making sure I blogged every night. I met Lianne at the airport in Vegas. It was so great to see her! I was so out of control this time that I was still drinking Diet Pepsi (I had not had it for 3-4 months during my last FR trip) and even at the airport I got a HUGE greasy Vienna beef sandwich. How disgusting.





The first time I went to FR I ate well as much as possible before and cut out caffeine long before! This time I didn't even want to. That's how far gone I was! I was only going for a week this time and that worried me. I hope it was enough time to get me to smarten up. (So far, so good) We shuttled together to St George. It was Saturday so we got a room at the Marriott and just spent some time catching up. Unfortunately some of this time was spent at Applebee's with a "nasty" pile of alcohol, mozza sticks and boneless buffalo wings. BRUTAL. What were we thinking? The next morning we took a cab to the resort.

It was so exciting being back! The red mountains were as stunning as the first time! Seeing the familiar faces :) Its amazing that the trainers and staff remember you! I know it was only 5 months, but they see a LOT of people! Unfortunately upon arrival was the dreaded test-in. BLAH Apparently in the month that my scale was broken my weight had crept back up to 2 lbs less than the day I first tested in at FR. I was so disgusted with myself. I do attribute some of it to the alcohol, salty appetizers at Applebee's, travelling and the insane heat.. I had to be retaining some ,major water! It was a pretty hard pill to swallow, but that's why I was back. I was excited to be at FR UNINJURED!! I could give it a lot more physically than I was able to the first time.

It was great to see all the familiar faces of the staff and to meet the people I would be spending my week with. That place attracts some of the most amazing people in the world I swear! The people I met there have the hugest hearts and the best personalities! The schedule had changed to accommodate the hiking in the heat. We now hiked at 6:30am then came back and had breakfast. I am happy we didn't have to hike in the heat, but it made for a long day when you re used to breakfast first. It felt like it was lunch time when we returned, but it was only breakfast :P

I must say I was NOT disappointed that there was no timed Stop Sign hike! It was a great indicator of fitness improvement, but you can only do that hike so many times before you're bored with it! LOL They also have changed the hiking program for the better. Now you hike on Monday in a random group and the guides assess your fitness level. You are put in a group based on your speed and ability and you stay with that group, in one van for the rest of the week. You no longer get to choose your hike. I liked this because I found out I sold myself short on my last visit to FR. I could have been doing much more than I did. This new program kept me pushing myself :) The hikes I did with my group were Chuckawalla, Anasazi Ridge, Stop Sign, Camel back, and Saddle. Saddle was the only one Id never done before. It was CHALLENGING!! I bitched the whole way up the gigantic incline. I was ready to throw myself off one of the cliffs! LOL. It had stunning scenery though and once I lived past the incline it was a spectacular hike!









I am going to be pretty vague with the basics of the trip. Its pretty much a repeat of my 4 weeks from February. I will just write about fun stuff,accomplishments and things I am proud of etc..

The food was good as usual! They've also added some really good lectures on emotional eating that I found valuable. Some of the moments that stand out in my mind are:

Camel back hike- When I did this hike in February the vortex was full of water so we couldn't go in. This time it was dry and it was a great experience! My new friend Annelise was determined to go in and faced her fears and made it to the bottom. I was so proud of her! I actually teared up :) She is an amazing woman. SO strong and SO inspiring! Its so wonderful watching people battle their demons!



Treading- I was injured for most of my treading classes during my last visit. I have never been a runner. During this treading class I ended up running 8.5 MPH!! I was so proud of myself. The best part was I hadn't even wanted to go to class. I was feeling tired and moody. It feels even better when you didn't want to go and then you kick your own ass! I want to try to stick to treading once a week at home.

The Storm- There were constant thunderstorms while I was in Utah. During on particular storm the power went out Right after dinner. Lianne, Annelise, Diana, Elena, Ruth and I all sat outside and chatted and painted our nails. It was so much fun! The sky in the distance would light up with an amazing lightning show and the sky turned a crazy red. I remembered that Jen the Life Coach had asked me and Lianne to do chalk outlines of each other on the cement. She wanted us to write 3 things we like about ourselves and 3 things we like about each other inside the outlines. I mentioned this to the girls and the 6 of us ended up all doing it together! It was so much fun! We learned a lot about ourselves during that exercise and we laughed a lot :) They are all such amazing women.



Pictionary and Taboo- Graduation night a group of us had a blast playing games. There was a lot of laughter and a lot of indecipherable drawings..LOL "are those zits?" "its a canoe!" "its a penis" LOL Tawny, Maria, Elena, Tina, Mala, Travis and Ruth. We all had a really good time. Too much fun!

It was an amazing trip to Fitness Ridge. I didn't think I could gain more going a second time, but I did. I gained more friends, more self esteem, more confidence, more health..

I felt that I had made significant progress during my week. I was aiming for 4 lbs of weight loss. My first trip to FR I lost 4,4,4,8 for a total of 21 lbs. I could see a drastic difference in my waist this time, but I was still nervous about testing out. It turned out I had nothing to worry about! I had lost 11 lbs! I lost 1" off my chest, 6" off my waist and 3" off my hips! I was extremely happy!



I have been behaving since I got home. I am allowing SMALL indulgences and making sure they don't get out of hand. I want to prevent a binge and its not realistic to deprive myself of everything I like. I need to remember the 90/10 rule that Emily instilled in us.

I haven't exercised as much as Id like to this week. I have been active though.. hiking to the river to fish, working with dumbbells, walking to my friends house. Now that my son is gone I plan to start going on nice loooong hikes. There are beautiful locations around my house that are calling my name! We are also planning a trip up north to Haida Gwaii (Its on the coast of BC just below Alaska) I want to make the most of the trip, fishing and hiking and taking in all the amazing scenery..

I am going to try to keep blogging to hold myself more accountable this time. Whether or not anyone reads it..lol

OK, I Have A Confession To Make

I have not written a blog post in exactly 4 months. Coincidentally today is also exactly 5 months since my last day of my 4 weeks at Fitness Ridge. It was kind of depressing reading my last entry. I was so proud and excited at the success I was having at home. Then I stopped writing. Soon after that last post I went on a rampage. I continued to work out, but my nutritional habits began spiralling out of control! I stopped writing because I was embarrassed. I am angry at myself because if I had continued to write I would have probably held myself more accountable AND received support from all of the wonderful people that were following my blog.

Eventually during the last month, my fitness also started to suffer. I was completely back to my old ways and bad habits. I had gained back 8lbs since my trip to Fitness Ridge. That meant I actually gained 16 lbs because I had lost more weight the month after returning. Surprisingly because of the huge difference FR made to my mind I did not begin to fall back into my ways of self loathing ad worthlessness. I was extremely disappointed in myself, but I did not allow myself to hate me again. Don't get me wrong, I was angry at me, and I did have a couple of minor meltdowns, but in comparison to how I used to be, it was a remarkable difference. I had done a Facebook fitness competition for the month of June. It was a great idea and was created by my wonderful fellow Fitness Ridgers. I just realized I still owe a t-shirt to the wonderful winner of the contest who kicked ass! Oops! The contest kept me on track and gave me something to aim for. Then school ended. My gym doesn't have a daycare. (We live in a tiny town) My son was finished school. So pretty much all hell broke loose. I had no means of getting in any good cardio.. my son doesn't last long for bike rides and walks etc.. he gets bored. I have really long legs and if he is with me I cant get moving fast enough to get any major benefits out of it. I unsuccessfully tried to keep up with working out with dumbbells etc. I was officially in a rut.

It just so happened my scale broke during the month as well and although I know we shouldn't focus on the number. I had no way of keeping myself in check. I knew I was feeling less energetic and more sluggish, but I didn't have the number screaming "YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!" I had no idea how high my weight was creeping again :(

When I left Fitness Ridge in March, I didn't sign up to come back. I wouldn't need them! Pfffft! I was going to be so successful on my own! Little did I know that Id be making a call to wonderful Nancy in reservations. I begged and grovelled.. "Please do something!!" LOL I needed to fix this and fast. I needed some motivation and inspiration. I was past the point of getting up and brushing myself off. I needed help. My problem this time was more nutritional. The first time it was my battered self esteem AND fitness AND nutrition. This time I mainly needed help with food. I needed a junk food detox. I think I figured out why its easier to get into exercising than it is to get into eating healthy. When you exercise you feel good IMMEDIATELY. When you eat well you feel exactly the same (if not a little grumpy that your food wasn't drenched in cheese and tastiness) It takes a few days to start feeling the effects of healthy eating and by then Ive usually gotten bored with it and went back to what my cravings were telling me to do! I needed to go somewhere where I had no choice!

Luck was on my side (and Nancy) There was an opening at Fitness Ridge for July 25- August 1. I booked it instantly. It was my only option. I never in a million years thought I would be back there 5 months later! I told Lianne (a wonderful woman I met during my first trip to FR, who turned into a close friend) that I was going back and she called Nancy as well. A few weeks passed and she got in as well! It was going to be a mini reunion! Knowing I was going back gave me hope. I was worried about going back, being with a different crowd etc that it wouldn't feel the same. I would find out in a month!

So Proud!!

I just had to share my excitement! I had an AMAZING workout this morning at the gym! I am seeing really good progress with my strength!

When I was at Fitness Ridge in February the most weight I could handle for the Triceps Press-Down was 12-15 lbs. Today I did 3 sets of 65 lbs! Holy crap! I have also gained strength in my shoulders. I have never been able to lift more than 3-5 lbs for lateral and front dumbbell raises and dumbbell shoulder press. Today I did 8 lbs for the lateral and front raises and 10 lbs for the shoulder press!

Its such a great feeling :) I am seeing and feeling results! I am proud of myself :)

Back On Track :)

I am very happy to say I am back on track :) Thanks to all of the people that gave amazing advice and encouragement.. if it wasn't for all of you I would still be in pretty rough shape. I read everyone's advice and started to read some blogs again for motivation. It really is indescribable how much it helps to have this giant network of support standing behind me. I appreciate you all so much :)

I re-joined Weight Watchers Online to get myself back on track with my eating. So far the last couple of days have gone well. I haven't been able to go to the gym because everything was closed for Easter, but I did some dumbbell resistance training and walked my son down to the Easter egg hunt at his school.

Surprisingly I have not gained anything back. (Thank God) My meal choices definitely made me feel sluggish, bloated and nauseous, but I did not gain! I re-measured myself today to keep myself on track.

Here are the numbers I am at now, and the difference since returning home:

Weight: 197lbs *down 6 lbs
BMI: 26.7 *down 1 point
Waist: 37.5" *down 2.25"
Chest: 41" *down 1"
Hips: 44" *down 2.15"
Bicep 12" *down 1.25"
Thigh 22" *no change
Calf 15" *up .25" SOLID MUSCLE BABY!! LOL

Here are the differences since I started measuring in January :)

Weight *down 28lbs
BMI *down 3.6 points
Waist *down 5.5"
Chest *down 4.25"
Hips *down 4.5"
Biceps *down 1"
Thigh *down 6"

1 more week until my sister is getting married in Mexico. I am going to stay on track and continue to kick butt. It will be great feeling to be on vacation and not have to feel like I need to stay covered up :) I have renewed faith that I can stick with this thanks to everyone help!